Q & A with Rabbi M. Chalkowski
Volume III Issue #20
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Writer #1:
Question: What should one's thoughts be during Elul? Answer: Checking through all one's deeds throughout the past year. Question: Is there a book that is good to read during Elul?
Question: How should one prepare themselves to get into the mindset of Elul?Answer: Sha'arei Teshuvah. Answer: Realize that Hashem has given us a full month to prepare for our audience before Him on Rosh Hashana. Question: Are there certain things one should take on because it's Elul? Answer: Be extra careful about something that you feel that you should have been careful with the whole year. Writer #2: Question:We have three little children and Yom Kippur can be challenging for me. I am fasting and it is a long day. Last Yom Kippur my in-laws were with us. My mother-in-law chose to spend most of the day at home with the kids and me, in order to help me out. I did not ask or hint for her to do this in any way. While I definitely appreciate this, I wondered if it was really right for her to do this. After all, she herself does not have young children - they are mine and it is my obligation to tend to them instead of going to shul. This year my in-laws are coming again. Should I insist that my mother-in-law go to shul, or should I leave it up to her to decide?
Answer:
Leave it up to her to decide.
Writer #3:
Question:What is the difference between Chassidic and Litvish approaches to keeping Torah and Mitzvos, and how does it manifest itself in our days?
Answer: The only real difference is in terms of Minhagim. All other differences, such as a) Joy, b) that learning Torah is the main thing in life, c) having a Rebbe or a Rav of some form, are all questions of Minhagim, which vary between the various Chassidish and Litvish groups even more than between the Chassidish and Litvish.
It can also be that in general the Chassidish have more Minhagim. Writer #4: Question:Why are there seemingly no Ethiopians in the Charedi community?
Answer: They tend to remain within the confines of their own communities.It can be true. It could also be for other reasons. In any case, we should react to sickness (that has not been brought upon oneself through carelessness) as a strong cause to see how one can better one's behavior. Also, whatever the reason Hashem sent the sickness, it will certainly atone for some Aveiros. (Again, unless it is self-caused, which in itself is an Aveira.)
Obviously, other peoples' sickness in this respect is none of our business. (I.e. do not visit a sick person and ask, "Now what sin did you commit?")
Question:Is it worthwhile to live in Eretz Yisroel even when one cannot find a community that is right for him/her? My husband and I are not able to live in our preferred city because of his job, and we are increasingly considering moving back to America because of the lack of Chizuk and community here. I know that we will have an easier time there in a lot of ways. I am also extremely worried about our children not fitting in here because of us, again because we are different from the community here and cannot find our niche. On the other hand, I am aware that you cannot grow as much spiritually in Chutz L'Aretz.
Answer:
Nowadays the question of influence from within community is of utmost importance. Once upon a time, it was slightly less so.
If the influence is negative and the one in Chutz L'Aretz is positive, then one goes to the positive community. However, what is meant by "different from the community" needs far more clarification and also why they cannot find one's niche? Writer #5: Question:What exactly is the distinction between Emuna and Bitachon? And what is the best way that one can build these traits?
Answer:
a) The Chazon Ish explained that Emuna is the "Halacha" and Bitachon is the "Maaseh" - action. Meaning, Bitachon is acting according to one's Emuna. To build them one has to strengthen one's Emuna by thinking about and noticing the miraculous things that Hashem has done and does (i.e. in biology, nuclear physics, history, etc.), realizing His constant kindness to His people. To strengthen one's Bitachon one has to go one step farther. I.e. if one works 8.5 hours a day and learns 3 hours a day (a man, that is) he would work half an hour less and learn half an hour more for a few years, etc. Question:If one wears a skirt that covers her entire leg all the way to the ankle, is there still an obligation to wear socks or stockings when wearing open shoes (where one's foot will be seen if she doesn't)? Writer #6:
Question: Question: In a recent Q&A, the Rav writes (in reference to the length of an engagement), "... the Chassan and Kallah shouldn't meet more than once a week (unless absolutely necessary), and in a long engagement even less." Why should this be? And why "even less in a long engagement"? Answer: Normally speaking, there comes a point that physical contact is a natural outcome of the closeness being formed. When this is unavailable (Halachically) then the relationship can turn into one of a brother/sister type relationship or a Chevrusa type relationship, rather than a boy/girl relationship. Writer #7:
(I'm hoping that one question is enough to answer all the following sub-questions.) What type of Rav do we need (a Posek, a regular Shul Rav, both?) and how do we go about finding such a Rav? What are some examples of topics we should discuss/ask of this Rav? In other words, to what degree do we involve the Rav's guidance in our lives? I also learned that once one Rav says something, we may not go and ask the same question to another Rav. Is this only referring to asking a Posek for P'sak Halacha or also to general advice, too? How do we know if a certain person would qualify as being a good Rav for our particular family? What criteria does he need to fulfill? Answer:
You need (1) a Posek and (2) a Rav for advice. This can be the same person, but it doesn't need to be. Have a good older friend to advise you in day-to-day matters. Major decisions that could affect your Yiddishkeit should be asked to the Rav. Also, unsolvable disputes between the husband and wife should be taken to the Rav. P'sak Halacha. But, asking too many sources for advice doesn't help at all. You should feel that he can relate to you and you to him. Writer #8:
Question: In a previous Q&A the Rav said that veal might not be Tzar Baalei Chaim and that each case depends on mankind's benefit. If that is so, which situations "allow" for one to be cruel to animals? Many people feel that it's to their "benefit" to eat veal or foie gras which is among some of the cruelest things man inflicts on animals, not even speaking about factory farming and the horrors of that.
May I have a source in the Torah that permits inflicting great harm on animals and then eating them?
Answer:
1. This was already answered. Writer #9:
Question:If one's parents are not frum, but they do keep kosher but they did not Toivel
their dishes - dunk them in a Kosher Mikvah - can I use those dishes and silverware and eat there when I go home? Answer: Ask your Halachic Rabbi.
Question:How much effort should one put into dating? Besides Davening and calling Shadchanim? What else can one do? Answer: a) Always have between 5-10 people looking out for you, whom you call EVERY Friday to wish a Good Shabbos. Also, you should pray and NEVER give up hope.
b) You must make the most of singlehood, it should NOT be wasted! Question:Some people say one should not eat fish and milk together. What is the reason behind it? Answer: It is considered a danger, but a Segula type of danger. (I.e. some hidden property).
This should only be kept if it is the custom of your family or the custom of the whole community that you live in.
Writer #10: Question: I recently got married and I have many Shailos -- questions -- every month regarding my Bedikos. To me, they often look problematic, but I save them, and my husband takes them to the Rav for Psak -- a Halachic decision, and everything is okay. My problem is that it makes me feel dehumanized to have to do these checks and to save the cloths, etc., for a Rav to inspect. It really bothers me! My husband says, "Who cares? The Rav sees hundreds of questions and cloths every week!" But it's not that, in fact, it's completely anonymous and the Rav never knows who I am. It's not that I'm embarrassed for the Rav to know who I am. It's just the whole process of showing a Rav. And I know that my husband and the Rav ae touching these cloths and it really feels like a lack of Kavod Habrios -- human dignity. I know it's supposed to be a beautiful Mitzvah, and I really feel it is by the time I go to the Mikvah, but I'd almost rather wait longer before I count my clean days so I won't have so many Shailos. Of course, I wouldn't dream of that but the process just "tarnishes" the whole Mitzvah for me, and it is very emotionally difficult for me when I have a Shaila.
Does the Rav have any advice on how to make this Mitzvah a little easier to handle?
Answer:
Tell your husband to ask the Rav if he could give you general directions as to when you really do need to ask and when not. Also, you do perhaps need to change your approach a little, even though basically, your sensitivities are correct. However, Dovid HaMelech praised himself for dealing with exactly these Shailos, so as to permit a husband and wife. He chose this Mitzvah rather than praising himself for his great acts of strength and glory. The whole purpose of Yiddishkeit is to sanctify the mundane and even such matters have the potential for great Kedusha! |
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